Grief comes in waves.
It’s foolish to think I can make it through January without tears.
It’s been 15 years since my mother died. January 18 was her last day on earth. As the sun was rising, He came and escorted her home.
I remember the day with precision and clarity. I remember the room… the curtain colors and pattern…. the dim lights and the thick pad beneath the carpet. I remember the chill in the air, the dusting of snow and the wind blowing outside. The hospice room was quiet. Everything set to make her comfortable and peaceful for those who sat beside her. Nothing to disturb. No beeping monitors. No hustling in the hallways. Just resting and waiting.
Grief comes in waves and sometimes in torrent downpours.
This January has been full of events and visits. I have been pushing grief aside waiting for a time to deal.
I didn’t want to go there… not now… not yet. I wasn’t ready to remember again.
Sometimes in remembering I have to remember all the hard parts, the sad parts and the parts of watching her suffer. And sometimes… I’d rather not.
That was this year.
I was hoping the day would slip by and I wouldn’t have to remember how much I miss her or how much I wish she were here. I wouldn’t have to remember how I wanted to call her on the phone and tell her about my day. Remembering reminds me I no longer can.
It’s exhausting and draining at times and sometimes I’d rather skip all that and move on.
But in skipping that I somehow feel I’m skipping her… and I don’t want her skipped over.
This week, it all came flooding back to me through a song on the radio.
That’s how it happens some times. One moment you think you’re fine and the next you know you’re not.
Matt says… “They must be blowing trumpets in heaven today for Mama Green!”
How sweet for him to remember that way.
Grief comes in waves.
We remember and never really forget.
A memory…. a song…. a calendar date — and it all becomes fresh again.
Today I choose to remember.
Happy Birthday, Mom! We remember your laughter, your smile… and your red cowboy boots worn in style.
We love you and miss you everyday.
Linking up with: #HeartEncouragement