It wasn’t my intent to stay away so long.
Yet I also know if I’m not intentional about doing something, than that something doesn’t get done. And that’s where my writing has been.
When I thought about sitting down and plunking out words my thoughts would take over and I’d talk myself out of it saying, “I don’t know what to say.” or “I don’t want to talk… or share… or converse…”
When change is happening in our life isn’t that sometimes how we are? Or maybe that’s just me.
When I’m processing change, I introvert into myself more than where my normal-introverted-self lives. I stuff it down to this insanely, quiet place where I share with those closest to me because bringing it all out for the world to process with me seems like I’m tossing it away and instead I’d rather hold it all gently for a while .
My kids are growing up.
Just like yours.
It happens every year. Their birthday comes around, they hit another milestone or they head into some life adventure that takes them in new directions. And it’s all good, honest! It’s what we raised them to do.
It’s what we want for them.
Yet through it all, it sometimes sucks. It makes this mama heart hurt while it’s happening.
We want to tuck them back into those little ones we used to cuddle close, whisper into their soft curls and kiss their tender face.
We also hold these new moments close to the heart, knowing it’s shaping them into who they are designed to become. And it’s good. It really is. I tell myself this over and over and I know it to be true.
But the emotions??? —They’re still there.
And the processing??? — ugh… sometimes overwhelming!
I move myself toward a quiet, still place and sometimes… a little more introverted than normal.
People keep asking me, “What’s it like to have them all gone? — How is it to only have little Matthew with you now?”
It’s quiet and drives me to fill the silence with something. But what?
- It takes two and half days to fill the dishwasher.
- The laundry doesn’t pile up.
- And cooking? I don’t know how to cook for 2 adults and a small kid that eats like a bird!
One cooked meal lasts for 3 meals. And left-overs? They are either frozen or thrown-out.
I know some of you mama’s out there are yelling at your screen, “WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT??? I would LOVE to not have piled up laundry and dishes?”
And I hear ya, I really do.
I used to long for days when the cleaning would be done and I wouldn’t have dishes piling up. I would wish for food to last beyond that first day of restocking. I hear ya, I really do.
And that’s why I sometimes say, “I don’t need to write. They don’t need to hear my ramblings.”
And I’m DEFINITELY NOT saying, “Enjoy those dirty dishes! Relish those piles of laundry! One day you’ll miss them!!!” — Yeah, I’m not saying that!
Because honestly friends, I don’t miss those dirty dishes. I L-O-V-E not having piles of laundry. Those moments of my life are now passed and in some small way I feel I’ve graduated into a new school of life.
Yet I’m not really sure what these new days of life education are holding for me.
- What am I doing?
- And who am I if I don’t have kids to kick into gear?
- What do I do with this new season of life?
I don’t know.
But I am working it out. I’m building new plans.
I have to — because what was is no longer.
In my introspection and contemplation, God keeps reminding me there is more.
- More to do
- More to learn
- More ways to grow
- And more to discover.
“God, with His mercy, gave us this work to do, so we don’t give up.” ~ 2 Corinthians 4:1 (NCV)
New seasons bring new adventures. We keep growing forward because it’s what He gave us to do.
It’s just that some of us are slower to process change than others.
And something good will come because it always does. And when we kick ourselves back into gear and move with intentionality, something good is bound to happen.