Tripping Over Typeset

I woke up this morning, glad to be breathing and in my own bed.  I had one of those dreams.  You know the ones where after you wake up, you hug your spouse a little tighter and hold your kids a little closer; thankful the dream is not reality.

Fear has a way of gripping us, keeping us tied up and unable to move.

I don’t know if at this ripe-old-age-of-43 I am having my own mid-life crisis, or more accurately, mid-life awakening.  I feel a bit like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride.  No, I’m not running away and I’m not switching husbands.  I love my husband and wouldn’t trade him for anything.  I’m referring more toward the end of the movie where she discovers the kind of eggs she likes.  Now if you haven’t seen the movie, that last line will make no sense at all.  But if you have, here is my short list of discovering myself over this last year.

• I like short hair and I really don’t want to grow mine out again.
• Blue jeans are not my favorite.  My wardrobe favorites include fun skirts & great accessories!
• High heels kill my back…I love my flat-heeled, comfy boots with fleece leggings for winter and cute sandals of all different colors for summer.
• When the sun sets, I’m ready to set as well.  I’m not a night owl, and my favorite hours of the day are when the sun is rising.

These all seem very petty and superficial, yet realizing and being okay with me is freeing.  There is fear in stepping away from the crowd, being noticed and possibly falling in the spotlight.

• Fear keeps me from hitting “Publish” when I feel it’s not the perfect blog post. And who reads this anyway?
• Fear keeps me silent when I could speak encouragement and wisdom to others.
• Fear keeps me from trying because I’ll possibly fail.
• Fear keeps me from being vulnerable and letting trusted friends see the real me.

Fear and insecurity immobilize me, afraid to move forward into something different, something new. 

In my dream this morning, I was lying in a dark hospital room unable to move and unable to speak; immobilized.  I could only move my eyes and those were filled with terror.

“Where is my husband?  Where are my kids?  Why am I here and how long have I been here?”

The nurse noticed my eyes were open, and in surprise exclaimed, “You’re awake!”  She answered my thought of, “How long have I been here?”   “Eighteen weeks,” she answered.  And at those words, I burst into tears. 

“So much time has passed!  I’ve been immobilized and asleep for too long!”

In my subconscious mind, this thought floored me.  When I woke up, I was happy to be awake and able to move.  I slid my foot over to find Dave there and I breathed a sigh of relief.  Yet the thought of time slipping by while being trapped and unable to move stayed with me.

Fear can immobilize life.  Courage awakens life.

Each step forward builds confidence, awakens new areas of life and moves us away from fear and insecurity.

• How can I move beyond fear today?
• What is holding me back?
• What courageous steps can I take that will move me forward?

I’m answering these questions and finding myself to be more awake in my living.  I have not reached perfection, and at times, I still find myself held back by insecurity, but I’m learning to be brave and live courageously.

I’m not physically climbing Mt. Everest, but in some ways I am climbing a mountain of my own. And everyday I choose to step forward in courage is another day I’m awake and living free as God intends.

Join the conversation:   What are you finding out about yourself?  How are you living wide awake with courage?  

{A little side note:  My goal in writing this blog isn’t to toot my own horn but to bring encouragement and grow together.  I know it can be intimidating and fearful to write something on a blog comment or Facebook comment so here’s a little insight for you.  If you ever just want to share without the whole internet world knowing, you can always private message me through my Speaking page above.  My real desire is encouraging and helping others.  We are traveling this journey of grace together.}